The Suck-it List

In a bromance with two seasoned brilliant actors, two old men make a pact when they are about to die.  One of the old men has money.  The other old man has legacy.  If they make it out, they'll do everything they can to really live it up.

Really living it up on unemployment means that you still drink coffee in beautiful shoes (that exist from a past life) hoping nobody realizes that half of the leather is polished in Sharpie.  Living it up on unemployment means wearing your good perfume casually (because it is going sour)  and using  expensive hairspray to keep your cheap makeup on at interviews.  

When unemployed, there are there days that it seems literally impossible to attain, or sometimes even attempt, the most mundane goals.  Eventually, people catch on to the telling signs (like dressing up to go to the grocery store).  

So, you let yourself go and end up like the old rich man in his own hospital with terminal illness.  Only you're on your couch, in your pajamas (for the third day) and completely broke, trying to figure out how you got there.

The answer is simple:

Nothing is as dehumanizing as being unemployed

In my search for re-humanization, I developed a tool to help create realistic goals, as well as a means by which to measure them.  I call this:   

The Suck-it List

The Suck-it List is composed of much smaller (and hopefully more attainable) goals.  Today, mine included such items as:

• Get off the couch (aka: my ass)
• Shower/wear clothes that are not pajama oriented  
• Look for a job

The problem with the suck-it list, is that, -at the time, there really seems no point in doing any of it.  Questions like, "what could possibly make me feel worse than setting myself up for more rejection?" and, "why would I want to change out of these sweats when they're so comfortable!" become standard de-motivating procedure.

That's when you psych yourself out with the "if/then" plan; kinda like the old guy handshake of crossed IV tubes (does that count as a blood-pact?)

• If I go to the gym today then I don't have to do the dishes
• or much of anything else; that stupid, evil, torture device will leave me exhausted or dead!
• If I shower and look human then I can get a coffee 
• no double-capp-latt-slim-shot-steamed-imported stuff, -just a coffee
• If I apply for two jobs at the coffee shop then I can have a pastry too; a cheap one
• or keep my eye out for teenage girls who only eat one bite in front of people anyway.

As stupid as it sounds, this worked for me.  It took me all summer to do it, but by late fall I finally got out of my slump.  For me the list worked for the following reasons:

• I HATE the gym, but not as much as I hate muffin tops, so went and worked out as soon as I could, -to get it out of the way
• Showering (preferably after the gym) for the prospect of coffee was way more motivating than for the sake of getting clean.  Stupid, I know... Gross?  Well, it's not like I was doing anything that required movement at the time!  Or going anywhere!  
• OK.  Gross wins.  It was gross.
• Bringing my computer somewhere else had two benefits.  FREE INTERNET!!! and; of course, coffee; I usually forgot about the pastry.

I'd usually keep working once I started.  Without distractions, frustrations, and reminders of previous success constantly surrounding me, I could work for long periods of time.  Once I got there, I'd usually do more than I set out to do.  Of course I'd toggle between job-searches, but I'd write too.  Nothing spectacular, necessarily; but I was writing again.

Being unemployed was and remains one of the worst experiences of my life.  But it doesn't mean my life has to end there.  Trust me, there are still days I choose the couch and pajamas,  but they're getting fewer.

I'm not ready for a "Bucket List" of my own yet; and really, who could afford one?